hI, iTs mE, ThE V@mPyrE gUrRrL

i’m finally doing it: starting a blog. It’s scary, too, ‘cos i’m afraid i’ll run out of things to say, so here goes nothin'.

i think i’m in love. God. How pathetic.

i’m in love with an old lady, i mean a really old lady, more than twice my age. i think about her 24/7, about making love with her.

i’m not even a lesbos, well, i don’t know what i am. I don’t like guys, either. God, college guys are s0-s00000000000 gross. All they think about is getting drunk and hooking up with some blonde cheerleader bimbo flako, having lots of sex. They look at me and go, “Oh gross, Gordie the dyke.”

i thought Thomas was different, but he’s the worst of the lot. All he thinks about is his next lay.

He goes, “i’m screwing my way through the alphabet, i was kinda stuck at x and z, tho'."


When Thomas got to the G’s, it was someone called Geena. i kinda hinted maybe i would be his G, but he laughed and said he could never screw a dyke.

“Well,” i says, “i’m not a dyke.” i just like dressing in jeans, boots, and jackets.

“Look, Gordo,” he said. “You’re a great chick and all, but i’m not looking for a real relationship. i just wanna hook up with at least a 1000 girls before i settle down.”

Thomas says he’s lowered his standards just so he could get through the x and z before starting over at the a’s.

He hooked up with brittney wanners and decided she was Xena the Warrior, then with emily knauber and called her zelda fitzgerald because she drinks like a sailor and likes to do it with lots of guys, like an entire frat.


“My goal is to screw my way through college w/o ever hooking up with the same girl twice, tho' sometimes i forget.”


I love Dr. Godwin ‘cos she’s so REAL. She needs someone like me ‘cos her husbands kinda weird in the head and probably doesn’t do sex.

God, she’s beautiful, silver hair, great smile. i think she’s not ready giving up having sex, but rev. Wordens in a nursing home drooling like a baby.

i was a bit vague on how women make love, but i googled it. Fake penises, fingers (????), and something called a venus butterfly.

Yeah that all works for me.

i just wanna sleep with Dr. Godwin and...cuddle.

Cuddle. God, what a geek word. i'm such a loser...

How can i let her know how i feel?

I submitted two poems to The Quill Review. The editor said my poems were “too morose.”

What the f*ck does she know?

My favorite is "Dracula 911," which is why my blogs called that.

i’ll post it next time.

See ya later!